..I ponder.

I ponder many a thing, many a topic.

I ponder first why we’ve grown apart from speaking so poetically in day-to-day situations. I ponder why the Sci Fi channel refuses to realize spelling it “SyFy” is ridiculous. I ponder why Gary Oldman isn’t sitting here beside me so I can gawk at his awesomeness. But mostly, I ponder why I am sitting here in my bedroom, watching hours of The Twilight Zone for the second night in a row.

I genuinely hope this isn’t foreshadowing this new year’s future.

But either way, I feel miraculous. I am full of hope and spirit and energy. Motivation and inspiration and creativity. I am filled with what I once was, when I was happy. And more so, I *am* happy.. once again. It’s long overdue, I’ll say that much.

So I wish you all a wonderful New Year. May it suck less than last, and even less than the one before it. :]





I don’t know where to begin. So I won’t.

But I am REALLY psyched about xmas. All the presents I got everyone (everyone I know well, anyways) are awesome, and all the presents I know my fam got one another are awesome. So I’m dying for xmas morning, to see their faces. More excited than I am about my own gifts. ..Which is odd. lol.

I just.. had a bad weekend I guess. Nothing I won’t get over. Just had a harder sting than bad weekends usually do for some reason.

It’s gotta be my withdrawals from hot guy. That’s definitely it. I haven’t seen him since like.. Tuesday? Dammit. Just one smile from him makes my whole day better. I know that’s lame, but I can’t help it. His smile makes me smile. :]

Ok. I’m obviously delusional, so goodnight. I’ll be my real (old) self again soon, I promise. I know it’s been years, but I’m coming back, dammit!

Ps. Feel free to stab yourself in the eye with a hot needle or something like that to cheer me up. :]

It’s 4:30am IN THE MORNING.. (I loathethat Time Warner Cable commercial. “AM in the morning” .. Really.

Anyways. I should have been in bed hours ago. I’ll be getting up early in the morning..for no apparent reason *kick*.. and yet, I can’t seem to doze off. Perhaps it was that delicious coffee Cera made me. ❤ ..Or the thought of hot guy from work. Or just that I feel sleep takes away the precious time I could have otherwise been productive. It's always right when I HAVE to sleep that I get that sudden burst of energy and that oh-so-awesome "I can do anything" feeling. Wtf, sleep? That's not fair. Not fair at all, I say.

Oh well. Shit happens.

Btw, it's snowing on my blog. The snow falls in the direction that your cursor is in relation to the center of the browser. Example: move mouse to the right, snow falls to the right. Move mouse to the left, snow falls to the left. *dies from excitement* Isn't that the coolest thing you've ever fucking seen? Because, I'm pretty sure it is. Way better than if it were snowing in your bedroom. ..That would pretty much such any way you look at it. Especially if you look up. And it falls on your eyeball. All cold and frosty. ..See? Told you. Now you're thinking about it. I bet your eye's starting to water, too.





My last happy xmas, I mean REALLY happy xmas, it snowed. That was what, 5 years ago? If it doesn’t snow this year, I’m going to rent one of those fake snow machines they use in cheesy sci-fi movies where they’re fighting fire-breathing dragons on an island near the north pole, DAMMIT!!

..I’m just sayin’.

Also. If you’re going to be ballsy enough to get me an xmas present… well then, thank you. For the last few years, my xmas’s were a little.. bleak. The presents were ok, sure, in fact some of them were fucking awesome, but xmas is all about the presentation. The surprise. The suspense. Don’t ask me what I want, buy it for me, and hand it to me unwrapped. Seriously. Wtf is that? I go out of my way to make it fun and interesting for all involved, the least I can ask is if you’re going to get me something, at least keep it a secret. Or don’t get me anything at all. Because the thoughtfulness really does mean just as much as the gift itself.

..Again, I’m just sayin’.

Also, I have a newly refreshed semi-fetish for socks. For those of you who actually know me well, you’ll know I have oodles of high-socks, toe socks, and just plain wtf-is-that socks. I almost never match them, at least with the ones they came with, and well.. they’re fun! Especially winter-y over-the-knee socks. So. Fucking. Adorable.

I bought myself some black/red striped knee socks with little dangly furry balls on the sides. So now I officially have bigger, better, and more balls than you. Take THAT! And they’re black, so.. there.

Also. If all of my friends want to join forces and get me the new Cannon Rebel DSLR, that.. would.. be.. orgasmic. Honestly, there’s nothing in this world I want more right now. Nothing. Got it? Good. :]


More often than not, my imagination gets the better of me. Even if I’ve learned to manage it much better than I used to. No more bleeding eyeballs popping out of closets at night, anyways. Haha.

But sometimes I just feel what I can honestly only describe to you as, well, a disturbance in the force. Haha. I know it sounds silly, but it’s there. Something just feels odd. Not quite right. Just. Strange. It’s not at all a negative feeling, and it’s faint, but it makes me smile.

These are the times I remember the good times. Which sounds funny to say, as if there will never again be times as good. Haha. What I mean is, the times I used to have and no longer can. Which is a good thing in itself, really. But I miss them either way. And it makes me think of people I haven’t thought of in ages. And maybe there are some missed opportunities in there, but thinking on it is good in the sense that I can see those red flags for next time. And hopefully I’ll learn to embrace each day and live it to the fullest, like everyone else on the planet is also trying to do. Which leads me to believe.. some days just aren’t meant to be lived to the fullest. Some days are meant to be down days, depressed days, and catch up days. And sometimes those days get bunched up in a several day line up. And sometimes, shit happens.

Making the best of it, on the other hand, is something I can be happy with. Sure, i can make the best of a seriously fucked up situation. No problem. But then later, at say, around 2:40am, I’ll start thinking about it. And well, thinking is my worst enemy.

Stupid brain.

Sitting on my bedroom floor looking up Volbeat lyrics and watching my cats drown themselves in food.. kinda enforces the happiness.

I thought I would be ecstatic. Then I thought I’d be upset, depressed even. Then, now, I know I’m home.

Cera especially, but Courtney, my parents, and all my new pals are making this ‘fixing the mistake’ the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do. And I do consider it a bit of a mistake now that I see what I’ve been missing. No regrets though. I’m happy as ever. And that’s a foreign feeling to me at least this past year or so. No wonder I’m second guessing myself.

Stupid blog. You know too much. You must be destroyed.

Oh. Oh. And I’m so loving sitting on the roof to watch the sun come up like old times. Fuckin a. If only I had my trampoline and minus some bees. How much is a replacement trampoline mat these days? We used to spray that bitch down with silicone spray and put our socks on and see who can stand up the longest. Good fucking times. Back before everyone were too much of pussies to drive “all the way to rowlett”. Are you kidding me? Psh. Pansies.


The end.


October. Why have you betrayed me so? I was always good to you. But you thought I had to be shown.. what was really me. What I must really do.

The girl with the black and red hair. Or the blue and blond. She would change, but never for long. She would smile, and laugh at all. But she was so afraid of everything, and felt a mere 3 inches tall. But that was on the inside only, never had anyone thought she was oh so lonely. So when she had the chance, she threw her heart at boys. Never again to be seen as her true self, and felt as if she were everyone’s toy. No, do this instead, they’d say. Be this way tomorrow, and like this today. But the girl wore a smile on her face, and only those who really knew her, understood the meaning of all the gloomy black lace. She kept it to remind herself of who she really was. She kept it to remind herself that someday, someday soon, she’ll go back to her old ways just because. Just because she’s finally learned that no one can change her, and no one can be her.

Just because she’s finally learned she is the girl who is the girl.

I thought this, or I thought that, but in retrospect, I was never correct.
I was with the one out of pure loneliness and confusion. I had so much love and it had to be given, that I forgot who I was was, or why I was with him.
I was freed from him out of finding myself, but I was back so soon, forgetting all about my wealth.
My friends, my family, what I really love. Because I thought like I had once before, that what I needed was not what I adore.
I felt happiness again, or so I thought. Now here I am years later knowing that I should have fought.
Against myself, which is something people rarely think to do. As I was, scared of anything new.
Then October came. And I thank those days more than anything for I know now I’ll never be the same.
Nor would I want to now after what I know. What I’ve become, and what I’ve been shown.
I am scared to learn what love and happiness can really be, the potential alone surprisingly terrifies me.
Good thing I’m a rollercoaster fan, how being frightened brings the best out of me, now I’ve learned I can.
Slowing down this process will been a challenge, however.
I’m so close to it now. And I won’t back down.

I’ve gotta say. The band Volbeat quickly became my new favorite, and even though they are almost *all* I’ve been listening to for the past week, I have found myself only more in love with them as opposed to feeling old of their tunes like I thought I would. Every time I hear each song, I notice little (wonderful) things about it which only make me love them that much more.

Just thought I'd share the love with that one.


Packing up kitchen now, which is all I have left to do minus packing up the computer & friends, which I will do tomorrow morning before loading the trailer. I’ll get the U-Haul this evening, and probably hang out it in for a long while and dance with joy. No, really. lol. Then: nap, work, pack up computer, load truck, say goodbye to everyone, sleep, work, ihop, and then GOOD-FUCKING-BYE TAFT!! Hello happiness. ❤

I’m so happy fuckingexcitedicantevensitstill about sat & sun. The move, obviously, then planning my new bedroom layout, dinner with Cera & Jenn (<3) on Saturday. Sunday more unpacking, then bowling. Can. Not. Fucking. Contain. Myself. ;]


Can’t. Fucking. Wait.
It’s so close, and I’ve been so productive.

Bedroom’s done. Office is done, waiting for Fri (computer + last min shit). Living room has a few bits and pieces to pack with like items. Bafroom is done, waiting for Fri. Garage is done. All that’s left is the kitchen. *balls fist* Get ready, kitchen.

Tue: Stay up all night & pack.

Wed: Dentist Appointment. Pack.

Thurs: Finish packing. Get U-Haul.

Fri: Gather last minute items (computer, speakers, etc). Load truck. Say goodbye. Sleep.

Sat: IHOP after work. Gather cats. And then I’m fucking out of here.

Time’s FLYING. I mean, not like “Man, I had a good weekend but it wasn’t long enough”-flying. I mean. Fucking. Flying. And I couldn’t be happier, because not one single part of me wants to stay here a second longer than I have to.

I *hope* to get homearound 3pm. Dad will be there waiting to help me unload. Yay for dads! We’re going to save all the heavy/storage stuff for Sunday though. Mom will conveniently get home from work at 6, when all the unloading is finished. *shakes head* She’s clever, that one.

The toughest part of the move will be about the cats. Getting them used to everything. It’s going to be rough. But I hope they love it there as much as I do. I know they’ll be glad to be gone from Kara. I just hope Chandler doesn’t try to maul them. *sigh*

Then!!!!! Then Cera & Jenn are going to come over. And that’s when things are going to get good. *so happy* They’re taking me out to dinner. *celebrate*!!!

Then Sunday pops & I will unload the heavy junk into the storage place, and tttttttheeeeennnnnnn….. BOWLING!!!!!! omfg. I can’t tell you how fucking excited Cera and I are about bowling. We seriously become obsessed with stuff way too easily. lol. First screen printing/stenciling, now bowling. Geez. Good thing we don’t do drugs. lol

Oh. And. Matching (killer) bowling shoes. Photos soon. ;]

So. Um. I can’t even sleep, that’s how excited I am. Like night-before-xmas anxiety. Just, can’t fucking do it. I lie down, and my eyes simply will not close. So, it’s an all-nighter for tonight to remedy that.

Until tomorrow ;]

I have a new love and admiration for those around me that I simply didn't have before this new.. not-so-fun part in my life.

The amount of people who are doing anything they can to help me is, well, absurd. But in a good way. My broker-than-me (at the moment) dad even sent me a check just in case.. I don’t care who you are, that’s sweet.

My friends are helping me pay for, find, or fix up things I need. Which I am so not used to after living here for the past 3 years. People sincerely and genuinely caring for and about me is practically foreign at this point. It feels taboo to accept help from someone, but I’m enjoying it completely.. in that rebellious kinda way.

And the friends who have actually whole-heartedly offered to help me move? *gasp* ..Now that’s just too fucking weird. ❤

And I don't even have to mention those who have simply shared their hatred for my current situation. That means the world to me. Angry emails from friends about everything that's going on really does make my day.

But what makes my day even more? The AT&T lady ignoring the fact that I went over my 200 text message limit by another 200, and upgrading me to unlimited. She's my hero. Because I'm fairly certain they aren't supposed to do that. lol.

No.. what makes my day even more than that is knowing that even thought shit will be rough, I'll be out of here. Out of this house. Out of taft. Out of south texas. This place is like a disease and I refuse to get it.

The 7th is coming soon. And that means happiness is coming even sooner. Not to mention the 8th. Which I have to admit, I look forward to every day. I even got my own bowling shoes (to match my bff's *kick*), and I practice my moves in the hallway with my socks on. Mhm. I'm not ashamed. ;]

Hanging out with friends, good times, good conversations, no one freaking out and getting pissed off for absolutely no reason and storming out of the room and saying "fuck you" as they walk off… well, it's like a new fetish of mine. Being able to just have a good time, smile, laugh, and have fun? ..It seems like it'd be so simple, but I know that's not true all the time. But it will be for me. Very soon.

And that look.
You know that look.
I love that look.

I never thought it'd feel so good to be single again. I also never thought I'd feel so damn confident. Something clicked in me, and it clicked hard. Remember Delena? Well, she's back with a god damn vengeance, so get ready.

Oh. And art. Don't even get me started. My creativity is at an all-time high. It's almost difficult to keep up with. Thankfully I can type fast enough on my iPhone (Charlee) to catch all my ideas as they come effortlessly streaming out of my brain. Movies. Photography. Clothing. Everything. I want to make, create, build, devise, plan, shape everything I think up. And now I can. No judgment. No discouragement. No false love. Only me and my many outlets.

This is what she feels like all the time.
I've wanted to be her again.
And it feels good.