Not to be too emo..

08Jan10

But I think I’ve given up.

On people in general. Relationships. Foundations. Perceptions. Etc, etc.

I think what I think I think is usually wrong, and what I think is wrong is usually what I think others think is right.

I think…

That love is never unconditional. That there are always games. I think there’s always the strong and the weak, and powerplays will always exist. I think no two people can ever really be in love, because one will always be the heavier hearted, and the other will either know and not care, or not know .. and which is worse?

I think I’ve given up on my feelings. I overanalyze people, situations, dialogue, and fuck.. everything else, for that matter. I observe and take notes, and for what? I can only be as right as my experiences lead me to be.

You can only know the expression on a face as that of being afraid if you know what you look like when you’re afraid. If you have no fear, then you lack the ability to see it in others.. therefor, I am blind to many a thing I observe in others and will naturally miscalculate.

I think when someone is flirting with me, it makes me feel good and stupid at the same time. I think that’s stupid. I think it’s stupid that I think it’s stupid. And so on, and so forth.

I think when someone is talking shit to me, it makes me feel good and superior at the same time. I think that’s stupid. I think it’s stupid that I think it’s stupid. And again, this continues.

I smile when someone says I’m pretty, but why? They knew it’d make me smile, and they got what they wanted. That’s fucked. What did I get? To feel like an ass, that’s what. I can’t NOT smile. It’s like there’s no fucking off switch. I bet if I were the suicidal type, I’d kill myself laughing. ..Or at least grinning.

I think when someone compliments me, it makes me like them. But why? Why would I like someone on the basis that they like me? That’s no reason to really like someone! Would someone like me just because I like them and not for any other reason of their own free will? Would I want someone to like me because I first liked them?

If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.. and god dammit, I want something different.

Kill me for wanting something real.
Stab me for wanting something solid.
Poison me for wanting to be adored, admired, loved.
Hang me for wanting to believe in something I no longer believe in.
Shoot me for wanting something mutual.
Bury me alive for wanting to be loved.
Unconditionally.


LL

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One Response to “Not to be too emo..”

  1. 1 G

    You’re wrong. There are many reasons for people to say good things to you, and they can and will say them for reasons much less cynical and calculated than you think, not least of all because YOU ARE AWESOME. I think that’s something you’ve forgotten, at least temporarily, and I’m saying it not to make you smile and feel stupid for smiling (Because, WTF?), but because it’s true. I wouldn’t read your blog or email or anything if I didn’t think you were awesome, and yet I do; have some faith in the taste of those you like, and bask in the fact that, if we adore you, then there’s something wonderful for us to adore.

    I won’t kill you for wanting what you deserve.


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