Secrets are Freedom

10Nov09

October. Why have you betrayed me so? I was always good to you. But you thought I had to be shown.. what was really me. What I must really do.

The girl with the black and red hair. Or the blue and blond. She would change, but never for long. She would smile, and laugh at all. But she was so afraid of everything, and felt a mere 3 inches tall. But that was on the inside only, never had anyone thought she was oh so lonely. So when she had the chance, she threw her heart at boys. Never again to be seen as her true self, and felt as if she were everyone’s toy. No, do this instead, they’d say. Be this way tomorrow, and like this today. But the girl wore a smile on her face, and only those who really knew her, understood the meaning of all the gloomy black lace. She kept it to remind herself of who she really was. She kept it to remind herself that someday, someday soon, she’ll go back to her old ways just because. Just because she’s finally learned that no one can change her, and no one can be her.

Just because she’s finally learned she is the girl who is the girl.

I thought this, or I thought that, but in retrospect, I was never correct.
I was with the one out of pure loneliness and confusion. I had so much love and it had to be given, that I forgot who I was was, or why I was with him.
I was freed from him out of finding myself, but I was back so soon, forgetting all about my wealth.
My friends, my family, what I really love. Because I thought like I had once before, that what I needed was not what I adore.
I felt happiness again, or so I thought. Now here I am years later knowing that I should have fought.
Against myself, which is something people rarely think to do. As I was, scared of anything new.
Then October came. And I thank those days more than anything for I know now I’ll never be the same.
Nor would I want to now after what I know. What I’ve become, and what I’ve been shown.
I am scared to learn what love and happiness can really be, the potential alone surprisingly terrifies me.
Good thing I’m a rollercoaster fan, how being frightened brings the best out of me, now I’ve learned I can.
Slowing down this process will been a challenge, however.
I’m so close to it now. And I won’t back down.
Ever.